After
by ladyashethealchemist
Summary: "The healers finished right before I got here, but I know they said that there is no trace of the anchor left and it will be okay." "What's left of it will be, you mean." Erryn Lavellan tries to figure out how to deal with what's happened. (Trespasser spoilers)


"Fuck it all!" Erryn groaned, the pain shouting through the upper half of her arm as Solas did whatever it was he had to do to take the blasted anchor off her arm. The pain was intense, and her vision blurred as Solas stepped away and entered the Eluvian.

Fuzzy vision aside, she tried to look at her arm and see if the anchor left any glow lingering, glow the same green as her eyes but… oh Maker, was that blood? Was that a pool of blood? At the end of her… wait, where was her arm? Was it… she grew dizzy before she could focus on the fact her arm was gone, eyelids drooping as she started to fall backwards, her weight shifting from her knees to, well, she couldn't tell but she knew she was leaning back, and she knew her head hit the ground and her red hair sprawled out around her face- the ribbon holding her ponytail coming lose- as if it were her own little crimson pillow.

She was going to die, she thought, though it was a quiet thought, one that hit the back of her mind but never came forward. She was going to leave Cullen a widower only two days after they wed. The gentle man she loved whose heart was bigger than he'd admit would now be alone. Tears formed in her eyes though they did not register, her heart aching. She would also leave her friends, those who saw the potential in an elf when she could not see it herself at times.

Hell, she might never be found here. Cullen may never have her body to bury, to mourn over with her friends. To die alone, in a pool of her own blood…

Before her eyes went dark and everything went numb, she thought that she heard her friends…

* * *

"That is my WIFE in there and I will not be kept from her!"

Erryn's eyes fluttered open, though the light hurt her eyes. Maker, her body felt like it was on fire, pain shooting through it. Shapes were fuzzy, but even with her blurry vision she knew that her dear friends Cassandra and Dorian were near the corner of- where was she? She had… had she not died? Had her friends found her there, where Solas had taken the anchor, and saved her from the fate she had thought she would meet?

"You-? I was not aware the Inquisitor was married. I'm sorry for keeping you, Commander. Go right ahead." The voice was clearly Orlesian, muffled by doors of what Erryn started to imagine was some sort of healing room.

As the pain began to subside, her eyes swept towards her arm, memories of everything flooding back into her mind. She had known it was gone from the elbow down but… it looked so odd, red and scarred where she could see- and she could not even imagine how it looked under the bandage- as if it had just been closed off. How would she fight? How would she lead? Hell, how would she even take care of herself? It felt as if it were still there, as if she could control it and move it, flex her fingers and grab the cup of water on the bedside table near her.

She must have made some sound, a whimper of pain or perhaps even a groan, for the shapes of her friends made their way towards her, and she saw the door swing open and Cullen come rushing in.

"Erryn, thank the Maker!" He knelt at her side, grabbing her right hand in his. "I was- when the Iron Bull came back covered in blood I-" He was crying, crying because she was alive and returned to him.

"I'm alive, Cullen. I'm alive." She smiled at him as best she could before her voice broke, tears streaming down her face. "Cullen, my arm-"

She threw herself to the side of the bed, burying her face into her husband's shoulder. Cullen held her close and she breathed in his scent, breathed and tried to calm the tears. Her arm… Solas would have pay for the hurt he caused her, for the needless lives lost because of his plan, but she did not want to kill him... He was once someone she called friend.

"Now that she is awake, we will take our leave." Cassandra's soft words to Cullen barely registered. "Maker be with you, Erryn."

"I-" Dorian's voice broke, and it was then she turned towards her two closest friend, head still rested on her husband's shoulder. "I'm so glad you are alive, dear friend."

She tried to thank them, for finding her, for bringing her back alive, but she could not. She was still too distraught to get out what really need be said. She hoped the look on her face showed her gratitude, showed everything she felt towards them. It must have, for they both gave her as much of smiles as they could muster before they left.

When the door closed, Erryn moved, making room on the bed for Cullen to lie beside her. As Cullen pulled her tightly to him, she let her tears run their course.

"What happened, Cullen? How did they find me, get me back here?" Her voice was quiet, hoarse, with a scratch to it.

Cullen tucked a strand of red hair behind the point of her ear and rested his palm on her cheek in a gentle caress. "Bull says it was as if they were frozen in time, having thought they followed right after you into the Eluvian only to find-" His voice broke slightly. "To find you bleeding out… Bull carried you here, and Cassandra and Dorian stayed while he came to get me."

"And…my arm?"

Cullen kissed her forehead. "The healers finished right before I got here, but I know they said that there is no trace of the anchor left and it will be okay."

Erryn was emotionless in her next words. "What's left of it will be, you mean."

"Love…" Cullen breathed.

Erryn's nose crinkled as she tried to hide the fact that a new stream of tears threatened to trace down her face.

"How- Maker, Cullen, I won't be able to fight. I'm not even-" A Hiccup of a sob interrupted, but Cullen waited for her to speak, running his thumb to wipe away her tears. "I've been snapping at everyone recently, I've been awful because of the blasted pain and all I wanted was the anchor gone but now- My arm is missing and I won't be able to hunt or fight- I won't be able to lead the Inquisition into battle should need arise… I don't even know if the inquisition should still be in existence... Maker… Cullen, what can I do now? I won't be able to feed or dress myself or- Am I even still me?"

The last bit came out as angry yell, her mind grasping with the thought that her value as a person would possibly change now. Her body shook, face red and eyes pinched tight. She could feel her left arm in her mind, feel her fingers tighten into a fist to match the right.

"You're still you, Erryn." Cullen kissed her forehead, holding her to him as close as he could. "You're still the brilliant mind behind every action the Inquisition takes, still the Inquisitor." He kissed her cheek, the trail of tears. "You are still the woman I love and the one I wish to spend every day of my life with." He gently kissed her lips. "And I swear, I will always be there for you, whatever you need, whatever you should decide we need to do."

Erryn was exhausted, and a new stream of tears threatened because of her husband's words, because her heart was eased, the fear creeping away. "I love you."

"And I love you. Always." Cullen ran his hands in idle patterns on her back, soothing her.

She was still her, she was still alive. Her role would not change just because her body had, she would still be the leader of the inquisition without the anchor- if she chose to keep it going- as it did not define her. She knew that the fears she had would linger now, perhaps always would, but at this moment it was eased, and that was all she needed to fall into a peaceful sleep curled up with Cullen.


End file.
